The Morning News has a hilarious piece satirising everyone's favourite chipboard furniture manufacturer, Ikea, and their infamous self-serve stores which would have even a Zen master red in the face. The article takes the form of a video game walkthough:

You start this world armed only with a UNIVERSAL FURNITURE-ASSEMBLY ALLEN WRENCH. This is the weakest weapon in IKEA: You will have to hit a person 16 times with it to kill them. So your primary goal in this level is to find more lethal means of dispatching your enemies.

As you enter the SHOWROOM, perform a rolling dodge to the left. Grab a free PAPER TAPE MEASURE and a handful of IKEA EMBLAZONED GOLF PENCILS from the kiosk near the entryway. The PENCILS serve quite well as ranged weapons, but it will take some time to master their use. Before venturing further in the world, stand at the kiosk and practice hurling GOLF PENCILS at patrons as they enter the SHOWROOM. Remember: Hitting the eyes does triple damage.

If only it were as easy as that. Last week, what started as a quick trip in search of a new clothes draw in which to store my ever-expanding wardrobe turned into a lengthy and bewildering flight of fancy through one-way corridors just narrow enough to make one feel like a guinea pig in a maze. Whilst this is an ingeniously efficient product-to-consumer delivery system, it has the unfortunate effect of inciting random acts of violence (and rash consumerism) in its constant saturation of the senses with annoyingly-named cabinets and deceptively-useful mystery devices. Enough of that! Bring on the rocket launchers, I say.