Order me a pizza, mate

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Daubney J shows considerable fortitude, patience and good humour in dealing with this self-represented criminal accused on the first day of a trial for attempted murder. The transcript contains some very strong language and is not for the faint of heart, but it makes for amusing reading. The best part is probably when the accused sarcastically suggests that the judge order him a pizza. Some choice excerpts follow (see here for the full transcript):

HIS HONOUR: The trial——-

DEFENDANT: Look - now listen here, mate, you don’t know what you’re fucking talking about.

HIS HONOUR: Now you listen to me——-

DEFENDANT: No, no.

HIS HONOUR: No, you listen to——-

DEFENDANT: Don’t come blooming start your shit, right, mate.

HIS HONOUR: You listen here, Mr B——-

DEFENDANT: You don’t there - you weren’t fucking there so don’t start your crap.

HIS HONOUR: Mr B——-

HIS HONOUR: Now, Mr B——-

DEFENDANT: You can get stuffed.

HIS HONOUR: ——-the trial will be——-

DEFENDANT: I don’t give a——-

HIS HONOUR: ——-preceding——-

DEFENDANT: ——-fuck, you and your trial, mate. Stick your trial up your fucking arse. I’ll go.

HIS HONOUR: Oh, all right. Now, Mr B, the trial will be preceding [sic]. There is one matter that does need to be attended to. The principal witness for the Crown in this trial is a person who has the status of a——-

DEFENDANT: I don’t even know what you’re fucking talking about, mate. You’re talking but not in the lingo language.

HIS HONOUR: The complainant in respect of the count of attempted murder is a person who——-

DEFENDANT: Who are you fucking talking about?

HIS HONOUR: ——-is a——-

DEFENDANT: Stop talking in riddles.

HIS HONOUR: Well——-

DEFENDANT: I don’t know - look, I don’t know what you’re talking about, mate.

HIS HONOUR: What I want you to do is stop swearing at me and listen to me.

DEFENDANT: I’m not going to fucking stop swearing at you.

HIS HONOUR: All right then, it’s a matter for you.

DEFENDANT: You can stick your fucking trial up your arse.

HIS HONOUR: Well, that won’t be happening to me, Mr——-

DEFENDANT: I couldn’t give a shit.

HIS HONOUR: No.

DEFENDANT: I couldn’t give a shit, mate.

HIS HONOUR: Well that’s a matter for you. Now——-

DEFENDANT: Well you can start your trial and stick it up your arse ‘cause I - I’m not having anything to do with it.

HIS HONOUR: If you don’t sit down I will have you manacled. Sit down.

DEFENDANT: You can fucking have what you like, mate.

HIS HONOUR: Is there anything that you want to say in relation to me making an order——-

DEFENDANT: Yeah, I don’t know what you’re fuckin’ talking about, you silly old cunt.

HIS HONOUR: In which case - thank you for that submission.

HIS HONOUR: ——-I order - I rule——-

DEFENDANT: Well, you can fuckin’ order what you like.

HIS HONOUR: ——-that Ms R ——-

DEFENDANT: Order me a fuckin’ pizza while you’re at it.

HIS HONOUR: ——-is a protected witness for this proceeding——-

DEFENDANT: Who gives a shit.

HIS HONOUR: Mr K, could you please communicate the fact that that order has been made to Legal Aid.

DEFENDANT: Are you fuckin’ off your head?

MR K: Yes, I will, thank you, your Honour.

HIS HONOUR: And immediately arrange for such representation as may be necessary.

MR K: Thank you, your Honour.

HIS HONOUR: Thank you very much.

DEFENDANT: Why don’t you get fucked?

*
Citation: R v DAB (Unreported, Supreme Court of Queensland, 4 June 2012)